The Man With the Vacant Gaze

 

                Most days he just sat alone on a bench on the south west corner of the park, his chin resting on his hand and his gaze vacant. People say that a person’s eyes are the windows into one's soul. If you look, you can tell a person’s whole life story in them. Where they’ve been, what they’ve lost, who they are. But it can’t tell you who they will be or what they will do. It can tell you whether they have hope or dreams, if they're in love or if they have been crushed. But they won’t tell you whether they stayed that way.

                He always gathered a lot of attention. His fixed face and posture would attract onlookers. They would stare at him for a while. Look into his eyes, maybe take a picture with him. Still he never moved or was phased by the people. The weather didn’t matter either rain or shine, cold or heat. He would still just sit there, his chin resting heavily in his hand, vacantly staring.

                He always scared me as a child. I would play in that park with my friends, but it would always unnerve me if I remembered that he was there. I hated looking to see if he was, but always could not resist checking, and would often find my eyes drawn to his bench. The way fear and curiosity mingled was just irresistible. Once, on a dare, I even ran up and poked him before scampering away, fearing repercussions.

                The years passed. I grew up. We moved away. At least my mom and I did. My dad, he fell to the bottle. A work accident left him limping and his co-worker dead. Mom said it was only for a short time, until Dad sorted things out. She said he blamed himself for the accident. Whether or not it was his fault, I don’t know. I do know I never saw him again and that was his fault.

                Now I’m here in the park; got a call from some lawyer said that he was in charge of distributing my father’s estate. Turns out I’m the only one in the will. I'm supposed to meet the lawyer at the old house. I'm trying to build up the courage to go. That’s how I ended up on this bench next to you. Not sure why I expect an answer; you’ll just keep sitting there. So what’s your story?

                He didn’t respond. So I looked into his eyes. I saw a boy. A boy ravaged with pain. A boy pretending to be a man. A boy who was held back by anger and bitterness, fearful to confront, fearful to forgive, afraid to break. Frozen in the past, thinking it has written his future. I saw the man with the vacant gaze…

 

The Self Portrait

The poet sat and thought

He thought very much a lot

about the words he could put to page

whether something whimsical or sage

But it was all for naught

For his brain did rot

As he sat upon his spot

In very much deep thought

You see he worried of this thing

About how his words would ring

This caused him so much strife

He completely wasted his life

This worry consumed his time

So much he never penned a line

And you can find his bones

Sitting quite alones

With quill in hand

Paper at his feet in sand

Only a title written on the sheet

    THE SELF POR-TREET

Gary

 

                Last summer I had the opportunity of getting to know Daren. Now Daren was not your everyday person; in fact, he wasn’t a person at all. He was a spider and he lived just outside my window. Now spiders are very interesting and unique creatures. They have a love for lore and history, but only from that of their own family. They maintain this history through their webs. Now we as humans do not have eyes as keen as spiders (nor nearly as many). So every web that is woven has hidden (at least to us) within it that family’s history.

                It was one fine evening that I, resting upon my window sill, asked him if there was a famous spider that all spiders kept record of. At this question Daren moved to the far corner of his web and with a face most solemn he nodded. “Yes, this portion here is dedicated to the greatest and most legendary spider. One so well known that he even made it into human lore. This is the story of the ever so brave Gary.”

                A long time ago before you were born and I was hatched and possibly even before this window existed, was the time of Gary. Now Gary seemed to be just a normal spider (if not perhaps a little on the small side). He had his web with his family history in between a wall and a drain pipe, out of the way of humans, but still in a good spot for meals. Yet in a way he was different for he had traveled an unusual distance from his hatching nest. So even at a young age he was a little more adventurous.

                The day that Gary’s life changed forever was a spring day in May. It seemed like any other spring day. The birds were chirping, a fresh layer of dew on the grass, and not a cloud in the sky. Gary woke up feeling restless. He thought at first that maybe he was hungry, but going over and pinching the leftovers from yesterday found that wasn’t it. He tried going over his family’s history--nor was that right. So, Gary stopped moving and sat in the center of his web and thought and thought. He knew that he had felt this way before but couldn’t recall when nor how he relieved the feeling. Then in a sudden flash of youthful excitement he remembered escaping from his egg and running. Running as fast as he could. It didn’t matter where he ended up as long as it was elsewhere. Unbeknownst to Gary he was moving to the edge of his web as he thought this. Coming to a sudden realization of what he was doing, he stopped and shook himself out of his dazed state. Gary being a little bit older and wiser than his just hatched self, knew that it would be foolish to just run off with no knowledge of where one was heading. So he once again paused and thought. He thought of the possible dangers he might face such as getting lost, being eaten by a bird, and starving. Gary knew that he had to eat on a fairly regular basis. He didn’t want to stray too far from his web and it would be great, if in his travels, he was protected from birds and had a low chance of getting lost. Now, if you recall, Gary had strung his web in between a house and a great tall drain pipe and he now looked up at this pipe and thought that it was perfect. A bird couldn’t get in there easily, it is quite hard to get lost in a long straight tube, and it was right next to his web.

                So, without further ado Gary set off running and arriving at the entrance, he scuttled up and up and up, excitement building as the light at the end grew closer and closer and closer. But at this point something made Gary stop. A giant drop of water had just hit him directly on the nose (yes, they have them. I asked Daren). He looked up at the sky above but instead of sky there was a waterfall. A giant huge waterfall. Gary hardly had time to think “oh no” before being pushed and banged back and forth in the pipe. Gary fought in vain against the current trying to find purchase on anything, but it was for naught. Tired from his struggle Gary let the blackness of unconsciousness engulf him.

                Gary awoke on his back pinned against a rock at the base of the drainpipe. The rock had saved him from being swept away by the crashing water. He lay there too tired to move or think. Half drowned, but still alive. Gary could never recall how long he lay there. Whether hours or minutes he didn’t know, but he remembered the moment he suddenly felt alive again. It was when the sun hit him. The sudden flash of warmth and the blazing light of golden beauty struck a fire within him that burned and resonated to his very core. It was a fire that said, “I will not give up. I will not die. I will not be defeated.” Gary rolled back onto his feet and stared at the entrance of this device which had tried to kill him. He smiled. He was going back in and this time nothing would stop him from reaching the top. He charged throwing all caution aside. This time no excitement grew as he got closer to the end, just resolve. Gary arriving at the top, launched himself out of the hole and froze. Before him was a wide canyon that stretched forth as long as the eyes could see, glittering in the golden light of the sun.

                For all the rest of his days Gary said that was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. And said as much to his friends later that evening whilst sitting around a table at the Fly Buy Café, a little diner down the wall from his web.

                At this Daren began to laugh hysterically. Me being confused, asked him what he found so funny. “You should have seen your face believing every word I said. Like climbing a drain pipe was the greatest thing a spider could ever do. And spiders don’t have cafés! That’d be ridiculous!” He continued chuckling to himself as I glowered at him, shook my head, and walked off. For spiders are also tricksy creatures and if they succeed in fooling you they’ll go on about it for a terribly long period of time. Even much later as the days grew closer to Fall, often in the middle of a conversation Daren would pause and chuckle as if to himself (but ensuring that it would be loud enough for me to hear), “Fly Buy Café, ridiculous!” As interesting as our conversations were…let’s just say I don’t miss him.

Every Right to Fear

    I have sat on the sidelines of 2020. I have watched as people have panicked as a result of covid. Government shutting down countries; forcing people into their homes; shutting down stores, restaurants, and schools; encouraging people to report on their neighbors and the list goes on. All of these to varying levels depending on the country (and for the States and Canada, province or state) that you live in. And above all that you have the media's constant hum of swirling uncertainty and "the world's ending attitude." 

    But as it is ever when the government is doing anything you have your dissenters, your "righteous" objectors, the push back crowd so to speak. You also have your sheep, your blind followers, the crowd loyalists. These are the parties that formed surrounding the above previous events. One of the simplest ways to separate them would be to say maskers and anti-maskers. That's what the media did with the help of the government and drove a wedge further in-between these groups by saying the anti-maskers didn't care about anybody but themselves. The anti-maskers didn't help their case by attacking the maskers calling them blind and saying that they were letting the government walk in and take their freedom.    

    And those are just some of the events surrounding covid. I haven't even brought up the Biden-Trump election which also helped turn covid and one's attitude towards it into a political movement/statement. I could go into that for pages and pages and pages. But before I get too close to the risk of rambling, I want to call out the common thread for both groups: fear.

    That's right fear. This world is operating on fear. Maskers fear their loss of life or health that could result from covid. Anti-maskers fear their loss of freedom from government take over. Both calling each other fearmongers. I agree with both parties declaration of each other. They are to my eyes both fearmongering. Both parties are operating out of fear and are spreading it. And as I look at the world I can say that they have every right to fear. These times, are times of uncertainty to one's freedom and health. So yes, fear is a totally correct response for the world. Why? Let me tell you.

    As you look through history you'll see that the song of 2020 is not a new one. The song has been going on within the world since Creation. Falling and rising in different pitches and levels of noise. Ever in the 21st century, this postmodern-era, its notes can be heard often above the rest. And in the year 2020 it can be heard most in the form of fear. What is the song's title? Unbelief in God. This is why the unbelieving world has every right to fear. Why do the maskers fear for their life? Well, being spiritually dead, they cling to their physical lives ever desperate to preserve them. Why do the anti-maskers fear for their freedom? Being in bondage and slavery to sin they cling to their physical "freedom" to do whatever, whenever they want, and those things are truly all they have on this earth. Both parties have no hope outside of themselves as they continually deny the Triune God: Father, Son, and Spirit.

     Man, ever in desire for control over his own life, denies Jesus as Lord. And when something shakes the "control" that they have over their own lives, they respond in fear. Because perhaps they don't actually have control and they have denied the God who does. This is why they have the right to fear. They are currently in denial of Jesus' offer of Salvation, which is there being offered freely, if they only but submit to Him. With no acceptance, the things they desperately cling to are truly all they have. 

    Now Praise God, for His desire is that the world should turn to Him! That they would find the life and freedom that are within Him! The hope, peace, love, and joy that go beyond all circumstance, that are only found in Him, and are offered if they but repent and believe in Him!

    Now church, to you I do address. For where do you find yourselves these days? Have you fallen into the fear of the world around you? Do you find yourself in one of the groups? I am not condemning you for that. I am not immune to fear and face the struggle against it daily; nor will I condemn you for anything else. That is a work of satan. But when you put on a mask or don't put on a mask or gather for worship online or in person, why do you do that? What is the reason behind your action? Think hard and be honest with yourself. Do not think yourself above fear. As followers of Christ we need not fear. The Bible says in John 4:17-18. 

"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgement; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

    Again and again throughout scripture the words, "Do not be afraid." are said. They are so often spoken with the promise of God's presence with us and care for us (go look it up it's super encouraging). He holds us in His hands still today. He is still with us and caring for us. Now closer than ever. Let us rest and trust in Him. 

    This is my prayer for us; that in our resting and trusting, we spread the hope of Christ in love to the world with our actions and faith in God during this time. The world is shaking. People are living in uncertainty without hope. Whereas, we have both certainty and hope, and so much more to offer in the person of Jesus Christ. Do not be afraid to share Him with the world that is in need of Him. 

    And as always all glory to the One to whom set us free from fear through the sacrifice of His Son and by the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. Amen and Amen

The Dance

I stood on the sand
Fine and soft beneath my feet

Entranced with beauty

As she herself was entranced with the rolling waves

Each roll and swell matching her inhaling and exhaling.

She was caught in a dance with the sea

And I with her beauty

No feeling of romance associated with this enrapture

But rather the beauty of elegant innocence 

The grace of peaceful joy

Something unweathered by time and scars

The indescribable love of a youthful heart

That when seen creates a desire to join in 

But the dance so elusive one knows that he cannot join without an invitation.

And though she left, I could swear as I stood there; that she was there long after the sun fell to rest in the water.

The Sacrifice

Trapped in a cage 

a box 

so tightly enclosed 

my own breath 

harsh and hot against my own face 

sticky 

I squirm and twist 

trying to squeeze my own way out 

I breath through my mouth 

so I don't smell the stench of myself 

my own death 

But I can taste it 

taste it on my tongue 

that is thick and parched 

slimed 

I begin to scream and yell 

curse and rage 

fight 

attempt drown out my own voice in my head 

thrash against these walls that hold me 

I would do anything to escape ' 

anything 

I would destroy 

kill 

murder 

before I fully comprehend 

a knife is in my hand 

and before me is brought a lamb. 

A voice says 

kill 

eat 

and be free 

No second thought I pierce it's side 

I tear its flesh 

until it falls 

lifeless 

Body in hand I devour 

Blood to lips I drink so deep 

the voice whispers you are free 

But meat once sweet turns sour 

and blood to bitterest taste 

Tears begin to fall like scales from my eyes 

I see the lamb's white wool 

in contrast to these walls. 

What have I done 

I destroyed the only beauty before I knew it 

In these walls I deserved to be 

I myself am guilty 

And behold 

the Lamb rose 

He turned to me and said 

one word 

innocent 

and his blood he placed. 

placed upon me 

beckoned me to follow 

and follow I did 

we passed through the walls 

to the wedding feast 

and great rejoicing was there 

I looked outside the feast and saw 

others inside their own walls 

each with their knives and Lamb 

and much the same for them as me 

inside those walls they will be 

as long as self-innocence is declared 

they will be guilty 

but he who cries 

guilty! 

shall be declared innocent 

and set free 

and he whom the Son sets free is free indeed!